2016 Fantasy Football Season Preview

What up bros and welcome back to another season of Fantasy Football. This year's draft was a blast as usual and I'm excited to welcome Tommy to the league. I'm less excited to welcome back Pasi (who bought Thug's team) - only because no one wants to see him win a third title (same goes for you, Tambo).

There's over $1,000 in the pot this year and it seems every team has a chance to win in it all (well except for maybe Larson and Ben). Even if your Fantasy team stinks it looks like the Vikings are playoff bound for the second straight season.

Good luck everyone and Skol Vikings! Whatever happens, let's hope it's not Tambo or Pasi hoisting the championship trophy in week 16. Here's how I rank this years draft...




Power Rankings (through Week 4):




1.) Big Poppa Pump (2-2)

Jake, you don't know how lucky you are sometimes. No kids, no nagging girlfriend/wife - you are living the dream, bro. Just in case you're wondering what you're missing out on - I found a picture of you in a parallel universe where you're married with two kids:

*At least you finally got ditched the Interlachen hat

With all that extra spare time, you must have done some serious Fantasy research. It definitely paid off as you landed three top RBs in LeSean McCoy, Le'Veon Bell and Matt Jones (wow!). You also gave me my favorite moment of the draft when you predictably took Drew "I bet Jake drafts him" Brees in the fifth round. Even though your record is only 2-2, you are the points leader through four weeks and I can see the "Jake Luck" taking you deep into the playoffs. Congrats dude on earning the #1 spot.




2.) NEPothead Could Win (3-1)

Now all I need is Jericho Cotchery...

Despite getting super drunk and sticking with my standard drafting procedure (no douchebag Packers, Cowboys or Seahawks and none of the twelve penalty shot players), I'd say a came out pretty good. I snagged two top RB's early with David Johnson and Devonta Freeman and got a steal on underrated receivers Eric Decker and Micheal Crabtree. I even gave into temptation and drafted the two of the biggest icons in wrestling ("Stone Cold" Tavon Austin and Chris "Hollywood" Hogan).




3.) Player Haters (2-2)



Get used to this if Tambo wins again, guys.

As much as I hate to admit it, you have a pretty good team dude. You have the league's top receiver in Antonio Brown and by FAR the most depth at RB in the league (Melvin Gordon, Mark Ingram, Jerick McKinnon, Charles Sims and Giovani Bernard - all 10+ points projected each week).

Good job bro, but I'll still be rooting against you every week. If you can somehow win a third championship - you'll turn into a pompous asshole - and no one wants that. Maybe you could give Larson or Ben some of your bench players to help even things out.




4.) VD's Revenge (3-1)

The face Thug made when he saw who Pasi drafted...

Picture this scenario; you skipped lunch and you're super excited to go to Taco Bell after work. You're starving. You order a Nachos Bell Grande and when you finally get your food you realize there's a pubic hair in your nachos.

Well that's how Thug must have felt waiting all Summer for fantasy football only to find out that Pasi drafted Aaron Rodgers. I know he's a pretty good quarterback and everything, but I'd rather eat a pube filled Nachos Bell Grande than have to cheer for Rodgers all year. I don't blame Thug for selling this team back to Pasi - I would've done the same thing.




5.) Tuning Up The Band (2-2)

I'm not your boy toy...

Luca, you've got a stacked team with two of the most badass receivers in the league; DeAndre Hopkins and Brandon Marshall. You also had one of the top "steals of the draft" with Isaiah Crowell in the sixth round (64 points through four weeks!). You just need to give up on Andrew Luck and give Matt Ryan the starting job. A great fantasy mind knows when to cut their losses and go with the better player.

With Matt Ryan at the helm, you could be the dark horse that wins it all this year.




6.) Uncle Norv's Lap (3-1)

Jay Ajayi: the worst pick in this year's draft

Even though you had the worst pick in the draft (more on that in a sec), you've managed to pull off triple digits every week so far. You have some heavy hitters including A.J. Green, Jordy Nelson and Latavius Murray, but I have to rip on you for taking Jay Ajayi (projected for two points this week - and every other week, lol) in the fifth round.

Here's a list of players you could have drafted instead of Jay Ajayi; Stephon Diggs, Isaiah Crowell, Duke Johnson, Jr, Allen Hurns, Lagerrette Blunt,  T.J. Yeldon, Gary Barnidge, Michael Crabtree, Deangelo Williams, Tom Brady, John Brown...Even though your record stands at 3-1, I see you finishing around .500 at best...




7.) Moop (3-1)

Charcondrick West

Philip Rivers, C.J. Anderson, Jordan Matthews, Todd Gurly, Julian Edelman - not bad, bro. Except for "Chokesondick West" - who has a whopping 63 yards and no touchdowns though four weeks. That's only 63 more yards than Jake's cat, Dexter has so far this season.




8.) I'm a Crepe (2-2)

*Minus ten points for naming your team after a Radiohead song

Even though your team is full of players I hate (Frank Gore, Eddie Lacy, Doug Baldwin and Delaney Walker = barf) I have to give you credit - you got a lot of value on most of these names.

So while I'm not really digging your team, I'd still rather listen to Casey sing an acoustic version of 'Karma Police' than have to face you in the playoffs.




9.) Purple Stuff (1-3)

"Hey Nate. I made it extra soapy for you."

Nate, you had a good draft overall and got some great players including Cam Newton, Odell Beckham, Jr and Travis Benjamin. But you lost me when you took Soapy Weiner in the sixth round. Your playoff hopes are a lot like the picture above - extra soapy - as they will probably slip right out of your grasp.

You also need some help at RB. If you can trade Rivers or Brady for another 'back - you could save your season. I'd hit up Tambo - he's stacked with RBs but starting Matt Stafford (8 points this week) at QB.




10.) The Destroyer (1-3)

"My bad for getting hurt and missing another full year. I still get paid, right?"

I'm sorry dude, but losing Adrian Peterson takes you from the middle of the pack to a bubble playoff team - at best. Drafting AP in the first round has left you scrambling for RBs and now you don't have even one 'back that's consistently projected for double digits (Tambo has FIVE).

The way things are looking right now, the only thing you'll be destroying is your computer screen when you're mathematically eliminated from the playoffs by week 12.




11.) Pees Sitting Down Guy (1-3)

Blake Bortles' senior pictures make me want to punch him in the face...

Blake (Bortles), Spencer (Ware) and Brent (Celek)? What is this shit? It looks like you took on the opposite of my strategy and drafted the biggest group of nerds available. On top of that you wasted a high pick on the most overrated player in Fantasy - Dez Bryant - who only has two touchdowns in his last seven regular season games (dating back to last season). Maybe you should stick to Fantasy Baseball...




12.) Wings of Pastrami (1-3)

Duke Johnson, Jr six weeks before training camp

Dude, it's not looking good, Larson. You took Jamaal Charles way too early and your receivers are easily the worst in the league; Tajae Sharpe, Tyler Locket, Michael Floyd, Sammy Watkins and Quincy Enunwa have a combined three touchdowns through four weeks.

It doesn't get much better at RB, where you only have one 'back (Ezekiel Elliot) that's consistently projected for double digits (again, Tambo has FIVE). I'd suggest making a trade, but I don't see any players on your team that he would want.

2015 Fantasy Football Season Preview

Welcome back to the Palace of Wisdom! After a one year hiatus - I have returned to break down this year's Fantasy Football draft. Since my last column I've gotten married, Larson and Pasi both have had daughters and Tambo has moved to Tennessee. As far as single dudes - Jake is the only one left...Which has it's benefits - like being able to get super drunk, spill wine all over your shirt and still be the most attractive single guy in the group.

The new league trophy ^. Thanks Tambo!

Like every other year, I went into the draft as prepared as Jake would be to run a half mile (0% prepared). Instead, I spent my time researching which picks deserved penalty shots. I ended up downing ten shots myself including a penalty shot for "Dude That's a Girls Name" - a joke that no one got. When I announced it was Devonta Freeman - there was a collective "huh?" from the group.

I looked right at Luca and said "Yeah, dude. Devonta Freeman - only girls' names end with an 'a'. You know like Lisa, Sarah, Jessica." I was so drunk it took me a minute to realize Luca's name also started with an "a". Oops.

While that was a little embarrassing, it pales in comparison to the performance the Vikings had on Monday night. After not being invited to play on Monday Night Football for almost two years (last time was a 23-7 loss to The Giants in 2013), we scored a measly three points in our big return - which is kind of like Nick G not being invited to your house for two years, and then puking everywhere his first time back.

Before I get into this year's Power Rankings, a quick reminder that I'm just joking around here - don't pull a "Russell Wilson" and start crying if your team is near the bottom.



Power Rankings:



1. the DESTROYER (Brian Casey)

Congrats Brian Casey on landing the #1 spot in the Power Rankings. Not only were you one of the only dudes in the league to avoid a penalty shot, the rest of your team is solid, too. You resisted temptation to draft old dudes like Steve Smith or Vikings players with "lots of upside". With a squad of Fantasy studs like Roethlisberger, Matt Forte and Emmanuel Sanders - you are the team to beat.





2.  Tuning Up The Band (Luca Potter)

Nice work, Luca. You crushed me in our week one matchup and as of right now, you're the league leader in points. I wish I could rip on the league's "biggest dickhead" Percy Harvin, but he had a monster game last week. You also got some big upside from Keenan Allen and Chris Ivory. Take note Larson - this is how you build a team of young dudes.





3.  Big Poppa Pump (Jake Swedberg)

Darren McFadden?!? C'mon, man - you know better than that, Jake. Despite the new team, he still sucks and so does Chris Johnson. I see you have also renewed your man crush on Drew Brees - which actually paid off in week one. I'll be generous and give you the number three spot.





4.  Hot Ham Water (Colin Wheeler)

"Seriously, Buffalo? Sheeeit man - I don't wanna play there."

First off, congratulations on avoiding any penalty shots at the draft. I like your team overall, I just feel like your fate rests in the hands of McCoy. In addition to his high bust potential, he looks as excited to play for the Bills as I am to watch 'Bravo' with my wife.






5.  NEPotheadCouldWin (Joe Angeles)

Even though I lost in week one, my team is oozing with potential. I got a late round steal in Bishop Sankey - who was an absolute beast in week one. I mean look at him - he looks like he eats Muscle Hamsters for breakfast. Pair that up with Andrew Luck, C.J. Anderson and Sammy Watkins and I'm a lock for the playoffs.





6.  Moop (Adam Swedberg)

"I wonder if I could sneak in a quick nap at halftime?"

You have some big name talent in Peyton Manning, Calvin Johnson and DeMarco Murray. But you also have Frank Gore - who looks like he'd rather be at home playing XBOX than playing football. You'll sneak your way into the playoffs and then lose in the the first round.

7.  Oste Berlin AlleSterne  (Thug)

"I'm sexy and I know it."

Devonta Freeman ^ has a girl's name and likes to wear women's underwear. That's cool if you're into that kind of thing - but that's not what you want from your starting running back. You also drafted my least favorite player other than Rodgers - Tony Romo. Just like Romo and The Cowboys, your team will sneak into the playoffs and get crushed in the first round.





8.  Wings of Pastrami (Matt Larson)

While you're going to have a few big weeks with the Brady/Gronk combo - the rest of your team is a bunch of unproven rookies. I'm expecting a major bust from *Nerd Alert* - Melvin Gordon. By this time next year - he'll be living in his mom's basement, reading books and playing 'World of Warcraft'. And no offense, but your other running back, T.J. Yeldon plays for the league's worst offense - the Jaguars.





9.  VD Real Bad News (Eric Pasi)

It's not gonna be your year, Pasi. In addition to mediocre fantasy players like Cam Newton and Kyle Rudolph, your worst pick has to be Jonathon Stewart. His limited skill set includes: running into a pile of defensive lineman, being able to out run 300 pound lineman and being able to get two yards when it's third down and three. Here's a telling stat: Stewart has only scored four times over the past two years - I've hung out with Skahen more than that.





10.  Player Haters (Michael Tambornino)

Oh, Tambo where do I start? I like Odell Beckam, Jr. but he's going to be covered with double teams all year long. Other than that, your team is a bunch of overrated nerds. Get outta here with Muscle Hamster (two touchdowns last year) and Vernon Davis belongs on the waiver wire. I think we can all sleep easy knowing the trophy won't be headed down to Nashville.

11. Pees Sitting Down Guy (Ben Johnson)

Ben - you know I lova ya man, but your team terrible. You wasted a pick on Todd Girly aka "sits down to pee" (pictured above) and you drafted my most hated player in the NFL - Aaron Rodgers...Seriously, I can't overstate how much I hate Rodgers. I would rather go to a "White Lives Matter" protest with Arola than have to root for Aaron Rodgers and the Packers.

www.wheresthebirthcertificateobama.com

12.  Purple Stuff (Nate Rose)

What were you thinking, Nate? Two tight ends, the league's oldest wide receiver and two Vikings that aren't Adrian Peterson?!? If Russell Wilson continues to play like he did in week one - it's gonna be a long year. My advice - drop everyone except Jimmy Graham and rebuild from the waiver wire. 

Good luck dudes and thanks for reading!

Fantasy Baseball 2014 Season Preview

Welcome back, dudes. We survived the shittiest Winter of all time – and for the second year in a row, we started the baseball season with snow on the ground. I don't know what's more depressing; the fact that it's been snowing in late April or that the Twins will be out of playoff contention by the time it's finally nice outside. 

After winning the AL Central in 2010, the Twins have lost nearly 100 games in each of the last three years. In an effort to turn things around, the Pohlads signed two “big name” free agent pitchers, Ricky Nolasco and Phil Hughes. I've got nothing against these guys, but they both had 5.0 + ERAs last year and were waiver wire pickups (at best) in fantasy baseball. Here’s a telling stat:

Ricky Nolasco’s four year - $49 million contract is the biggest free agent signing in Twins’ history.

Think about that for a second. It seems like there’s some big name free agent getting a $100+ million contract every time you turn on ESPN. Yet the biggest contract the Pohlad’s have ever given a free agent is $49 million and we're supposed to to get excited about it? That’s like the Timberwolves bragging about having their best season in a decade (despite not making the playoffs for the tenth straight year).  

Look, I love the Twins – but they've slashed their payroll from $112 million in 2010 down to just $85 million in 2014. And not only did they cut their payroll, they obviously cut their advertising budget. Here's the main jingle they came up with to sell you season tickets:

"We're bringing in the closer

And no, he ain’t a poser

A former Golden Gopher

Glen Perkins he’s our closer.

Our offense is broke

But he ain’t a joke

He’ll strike ‘em out

Without a doubt

Glen Perkins HE’S OUR CLOSER!"

What a shitty song. I'm sorry, but that doesn't convince me to drop $100 on a pair of Twins tickets. Seriously - my friend Brian Casey could write a better jingle while taking a dump on his lunch break. Anyways, Perkins is one of only two Twins worth owning in fantasy baseball – the other being Joe Mauer. And while many people think Mauer is kind of a "tool" in real life - he's actually far from that in fantasy. All he does is hit singles, so he's technically only a 2/5 tool player at best (with far below average HRs, SBs and RBIs).

It's looking like it's gonna be another lost season for the Twins, so I'll just do what I always do when our hometown teams fade from contention - watch more wrestling.

Before we get any further I gotta give a shout out to Big Daddy Cool - the only person I know (or at least know of) that loves wrestling more than I do. Not only does he host the best WWE podcast on the internet (Podcast of the Immortals) he went to this year's Wrestlemania - which was (arguably) one of the best of all time.

But before we get to the power rankings, we must have a moment of silence for our former league mate, Tommy Lilliberg. Tom has quit playing fantasy baseball to spend more time with the fam. He can now focus on more important things, like watching 'Frozen' for the 27th time.

Just to be clear, I love Tommy and I’m happy for him and his family. But while everyone else is “growing up” and “getting too old for _____________”, I’m gonna keep partying, bro. So, just in case you're reading this Tom...Here's what I'll be doing on a Saturday night...

And here's what you'll be doing....

2014 Preseason Power Rankings

1.) TroutAnAbout

Worst Player: Starlin Castro

2013 stats: .245 / 10 HR / 44 RBI 

Dude, you have the #1 offense and it's not even close. How the hell did you get David Ortiz, Evan Longoria, Mike Trout AND Matt Kemp? Your pitching is a little shaky, but it doesn't matter - you'll win 90% of your offensive match ups.

However, I'm not a fan of Starlin Castro - mainly because the Cubs are my second favorite team (behind the Twins) and they (like the Twins) keep signing these mediocre players. Castro also looks like he has the confidence of a zit faced teenager asking a girl to prom. I'm sure he's worried about being sent down to the minors - which he should be with a sub .250 batting average and no power. 

2.) Galactic Nectar

Worst Player: Dan Haren

Larson, congrats bro - you have the best overall team in the league. No other team can claim to have a legitimate MVP AND Cy Young candidate - which you have with Andrew McCutchen / Max Scherzer. I like a lot of your other guys like Ian Kinsler, Matt Wieters, Trevor Rosenthal and Matt Cain. However, you should do yourself a favor and drop Dan Haren...

I made the mistake of drafting Dan Haren two years ago, mainly because he looks like a stud. This will sound gay, but in retrospect, I think he’s too handsome for his own good. Here's my theory:

When he was pitching for the Angels, he would often go out drinking with his teammates. Women would always be flirting with him, while his wing-man, Jared Weaver (who looks like a total nerd) would routinely get shot down. Sadly, Weaver would keep his baseball card in his wallet so he could prove to women that he really played for the Angels. Anyways, Weaver would always back go to his room early, while Haren would stay out all night and crush bitches.

However, the next day - Haren would be hungover, throwing meatballs.

Bottom line: crushing bitches all night = 5.0+ ERA

3.) N.E. Pothead Could Win

Worst Player: A.J. Burnett

2013 stats:  10 wins / 3.30 ERA / 1.21 WHIP

I think it was pretty humble of me to rank myself in 3rd place when I could make an argument that I have the best team. I snagged two of the best closers (Kimbrel and Jansen), the best catcher (Yadier Molina), a top first baseman (Chris Davis) and got one of the biggest steals of the draft (Angel Pagan - hitting .329 drafted in the 12th round).

After focusing too heavily on offense last year, I decided to load up on pitching this year instead. I literally don't have any picthers with an ERA above 3.50. So, when I go up against teams with bloated ERAs (OutForARip, Angry Hemorrhoids) they won't stand a chance.

4.) Big Daddy Cool

Worst Player: Homer Bailey

Dude, it would be my honor to buy you a beer sometime. I've listened to all your recent podcasts. As far as your last one - I'm totally with you that 1.) Cesaro's new entrance music sucks  2.) Goldberg at Wrestlmania 31 would be totally awesome and 3.) I don't get how the "Brock Lesnar super fan" can afford to go to every show, either. 

I also can't tell you how jealous I am that you went to Wrestlemania. I have so many questions for you...Do you think it was a top five 'Mania? What have you been watching on the WWE Network? When do you think Brock will get a shot at the title? When will Sting finally show up? What about Punk? And if Punk comes back, what about a match vs Austin? 

Anyways, your team is pretty solid. I'm a big fan of Adrian Beltre and you've had some huge upside from Freddie Freeman and Torii Hunter. Your pitching is pretty good, too - other than Homer Bailey who currently has a 6.15 ERA.

Is it just me, or does Homer Bailey look like a woman? I'm sorry, but 85 mph lesbian fastballs won't help you win in fantasy baseball. Drop him/her and pickup any other pitcher with an ERA under 6.0. 

5.) Big Poppa Pump

Worst Player: Jedd Gyroko

"Who wants to play 'Magic The Gathering'?"

Jake, you have a pretty well balanced team. You've got some real heavy hitters with Joey Votto, Hanley Ramierez and Matt Holliday. Your pitching is even more impressive with FIVE guys that would be the #1 starter on the Twins; Zach Greinke, Jason Vargas, Francisco Rodriguez, Ervin Santana and Cliff Lee. Holy balls! 

However, some of your offensive bench guys are pretty whack. For your worst player, I'm gonna go with Jedd Gyroko. He reminds me of the kid that gets the scholarship on Seinfeld with the C + average.

^ That's basically Jedd Gyroko, he's hitting a solid .250 with no power. He's not showing off, but he's not lagging behind.

6.) The Commish

Worst Player: Jay Bruce

Ben, your team is in the middle of the pack this year - but I think you'll be able to sneak into the playoffs. You have a few big names with Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder - but outside of that you have some real jabronies. Rajeesh Davis and Tanner Rorke? Who the hell are these guys? You also have the biggest piece of trailer park trash in MLB - Jeff Samardizja AND the biggest crybaby, Jay Bruce.   

He looks like he’s crying. Dude, stop crying Bruce – there’s no crying in baseball. 

7.)  Mandelbaum!

 Worst Player:  Billy Butler

"something smells like a fart"

Ugh. This is where the teams start to get gross. I like Yasiel Puig, but you can't expect him to put up crazy numbers like he did last year. Jose Bautista and Troy Tulowitzki are also pretty solid - but after that - it gets ugly.

I don't know much about Billy Butler but for some reason, I want to punch him in the face. He looks a cross between a redneck and a Green Bay Packers fan.

8.) Analrapists

Worst Player: Grant Ballfour

Sorry G, but your team is looking rough. Right now you only have one player hitting above .275 (Chase Utley) and your only Third Baseman (Pedro Alvarez) is hitting .172. Your pitching is a little better but you have two pitchers with ERAs above 6.0 (Grant Ballfour and Cole Hamels). Seriously, drop Alvarez, Ballfour and Hamels - or at least get them out of your starting lineup. 

"Worst player" honors have to go to Grant Ballfour. Not only does he have an ironic name that fits his bloated ERA (Ball four - get it?) he has the "coolest soul patch in the American League". 

9.) Hellraisers:

Worst Player: Chris Tillman

Just like the #8 ranked Analrapists, you only have one player with a batting average above .300 (Ben Zobrist) and your only Catcher (Carlos Santana) is hitting .156. Your pitching is better as you loaded up on solid starters (Kyle Lohse, Justin Verlander, Jonathon Niese, Matt Garza) but one of your main relievers, Sergio Santos, has an 8.31 ERA. 

Based solely on his picture, I gotta give the "worst player" award to Chris Tillman. He embodies a trifecta of suckiness that is not replicated by anyone else in MLB. As far as I know, he is the only player that: 

1.) Looks like a redneck.
2.) Looks high and/or drunk.
and
3.) Has an "awesome" soul patch (even though he's got nothing on Grant Ballfour).

10.) OutForaRipAreYaBud?

Worst Player: C.C. Sabbathia

Leads the Yankees in Losses and Fattest Beer Gut

Out for a rip are you bud? That's what some dickhead cop asked me last time I got pulled over. Except he didn't call me "bud" and it was more along the lines of, "It smells like weed in here". To which I replied, "That's weird" and then tried to change the subject. He didn't fall for it, but he ended up letting me go.

Anyways, I’m assuming your name is a weed reference - which is perfect for you since your ERA will super high with jabronies like Ricky Nolasco, CC Sabbathia and R.A. Dickey.

11.) Angry Hemorrhoids:

Worst Player: Craig Allen

   2014 stats  .192 AVG / 2 HRs / 8 RBIs  

I'm struggling to find any standout players on your team. Outside of former Twin, Justin Morneau (hitting .357, holy crap) - your entire team is hitting below .300. Your pitching is in rough shape too, with meaballers Justin Masterson (4.88 ERA) and Clay Buchholz (6.66 ERA) getting lots of innings. 

"Worst player" goes to Craig Allen who is currently hitting .192. Look at this picture I found of him at some bar during the offseason. Man, he looks wasted. Put away the bong for a minute and lift some weights, bro.

12.) Sano Tomorrow Night

Worst Player : B.J. Upton

2013 stats: .184 / 9 HRs / 26 RBIs

Before the 2013 season, B.J. Upton signed one of the biggest contracts in Braves history; a deal that guarantees him $75 million over five years. In 2013 (the first year of his deal) he hit an MLB low - .186. 

Let me put that into perspective for all you working stiffs making $10-20 an hour: $75 million a year over 5 years is $15 million per year. That breaks down to $288,888 a week. Divide that by a forty hour work week and B.J. Upton is making $7,211 an hour to hit less than .200.

What's the only thing more ridiculous than paying a mediocre player $15 million a year to hit less than .200? Drafting said player to a fantasy team. The Braves are stuck with him – you’re not. Drop his overpaid ass and pickup ANYONE else. 

Oh and one more quick piece of advice... Since you're not going to be like the "cool kids" in the league and have a wrestler as your team icon, let me suggest a picture that more accurately represents your team's offense:

Cheers and good luck!!

B Town Boyz Fantasy Football Preview 2013

So, I know this preview is way late, but there was a lot to cover this year. If you didn’t know, I usually do a column where I make fun of everyone’s team – kind of like a roast. I’d like to start by ripping on the newest members of our fantasy league, Michael Tambornino and Ben Johnson. Tambo – it was pretty ridiculous how we let you join the league and you wanted to make all these big changes (switching to an auction draft, using LeagueSafe.com) before you even played your first game. Most of us thought it was a little premature - kind of like getting engaged before college. Speaking of which, Ben recently got engaged (again) and so did Pasi AND Casey. Congrats to all three of you, I’m really excited for your weddings. But if your wives ever decide you can’t play Fantasy Football - just know that I’ll be making fun of you online.   

^ Because this looks waaay more fun than Fantasy Football

After losing in last year's finals by less than half a point (151.02 – 150.58 to Luca for the Championship), I’m back for vengeance. That was the highest scoring game I’ve ever had, so one of my goals this year was to re-draft the same team. My other goal was to get super wasted. Mission accomplished on both fronts; I had over ten shots and ended up with 6 “legacy” members in Tom Brady, Trent Richardson, Marques Colston, Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree and Justin Tucker.

As a new tradition this year, I passed out penalty shots to anyone who picked one of my “Top Ten Worst Picks of the Draft”. This was not just to get everyone liquored up, but to have an unbiased way to grade the draft. One person earned the bottom spot in the power rankings by drafting two players from my list. This person is also next in line to get married, so I feel like he deserves to get ripped.

Two time league champion Eric Pasi gets the bottom spot for drafting both the “least clutch quarterback” AND the “slowest running back”. Heck, that doesn’t sound like a fantasy team at all - that sounds like a nightmare where AP gets injured and the Vikings’ offense features Christian Ponder and Toby Gerhart. Anyways, for making two of the worst picks of the draft, Pasi had to take two shots. Maybe it was the weed along with those two shots, but he was SUPER wasted by the end of the night. He passed out and took a cab home early the next morning. But - he was still so wasted he left his keys at my place and took Jake’s keys home instead. How the hell does that happen? Could you imagine if he made the same mistake with the Baker sisters? “Uh, oops sorry Jodie, I thought you were Dana”.

Anyways, taking the wrong set of keys is nowhere near as bad as throwing passes to the wrong team – which is the only thing Ponder has been good at so far. I gave up on him when he gave one of the dumbest excuses I’ve ever heard after losing to the Browns. He literally said, “That was a throw that I can make 99 times out of 100, unfortunately that was the one miss”. So, when we really need you to make a big pass, it just happens to be the ONE time out of a hundred that you mess up? How convenient.  

Could you imagine using that excuse in real life?  

Power Rankings

1. The Destroyer

Worst Player: Steven Jackson

Steven Jackson's high school football picture, circa 1965

Congrats on getting the #1 spot, bro – your team is pretty sick. For starters, I gotta give you props for the fact that (unlike Jake, Adam and Pasi) you NEVER draft Packers. On top of that, you draft the hell out of the Vikings (AP, Greg Jennings and Kyle Rudolph), which is awesome. So, bonus points for that. Plus, you have the league’s MVP through three games in Peyton Manning – who is on pace to throw 64 touchdowns. You also have last year’s MVP; Adrian Peterson. Your only real weakness is your backup RBs; the old and injury prone Steven Jackson and the newly demoted Ahmad Bradshaw. Still, the Peyton-AP combo is deadly and I would not want to face you in the playoffs.

2. Percy Control

Worst Player: Chris Johnson

Nice job with the 3-0 start, Tambo. Your team has the potential to score a ton of points every weekend, but you also have the potential to fall flat on your face. This is mainly due to Chris Johnson, who I’ve had a love/hate relationship with for years. He's the only running back in the league that will average 150 yards a game, but do it by getting 350 yards one week, and just 50 the other two. Kaepernick and Megatron can be inconsistent as well, but there will be times when you'll just be waiting, and waiting, and waiting for Chris Johnson to have a big game.

And you know what they say about waiting and waiting and waiting for a player to have a big game….

3. Purple Stuff

Worst Player: Steve “He’s Still in the NFL?” Smith

Wow Nate, you really nailed it this year. Cam Newton, DeSean Jackson, Jamaal Charles and Owen Daniels have all had huge numbers through the first three games. Plus, you have Gronkowski coming back this weekend. There’s not much to make fun of you for - other than for drafting Steve Smith - who is now officially the oldest player in the league.

4. Tuning Up the Band

Worst Player: None

First off, bonus points for not drafting any of my Top Ten Worst Players. Second, nice job utilizing my “Legacy” strategy by redrafting your players from last year. Third, even more bonus points for having “The Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels as your mascot. You know, a lot of people ask me why I love wrestling so much. Here’s why: Wrestling will never break your heart the way the Vikings can. If the Vikings continue to lose and are out of the playoffs by midseason, it might become too painful to watch. So painful that I would rather watch the worst wrestling match you could possibly imagine:

My point is, I’d rather watch Big Show wrestle The Great Khali than watch Ponder throw four picks. This may turn into a rough year, so it might be good idea to watch a little more wrestling and a little less football. Luca, (or anyone else) you should come over for wrestling sometime. I order every pay per view, even when it features crap like the Big Show vs Khali.

  

5. NEpotheadCouldWin

Worst Player: Chris Ivory

"Whatever man, I'm awesome"

I think my team is pretty solid, but I’m probably a little biased. I just got really high + drunk and drafted as many players as I could from last year’s team. What could possibly go wrong?

6. OstBerlin AllSterne

Worst Player: C.J. Spiller

"My teeth are whiter than the MN Timberwolves 2013-2014 roster"

Dude, you’re way better than your 0-3 record and I think you’ll be able to turn things around. Spiller only has 150 yards and 0 TDs through three games. He’s overrated, but he shouldn’t suck this bad. Andrew Luck should be solid all year and receivers Andrew Johnson and Wes Welker are due for some big games. Unlike the Vikings and their 0-3 start, you still have a good chance of making the playoffs.  

7. Wings of Pastrami

Worst Player: Giovani Bernard

With names like Jordan Cameron, T.Y. Hilton and Giovani Bernard you are leading the league in “players I’ve never heard of”. Who are these dudes? They must be rookies or something. From the looks of it, you have the youngest team in the league - which will certainly help when you're going against dinosaurs like Steve Smith and Steven Jackson.  

8. Big Poppa Pump

Worst Player: Fat Eddie Lacy

According to my calculations, there are only two running backs that Jake could outrun on a good day – Frank Gore and Eddie Lacy. I guess it’s somewhat fitting that he has one of them on his team (Lacy). It’s also ironic that Jake and Lacy both have a tendency to order five (or more) double cheeseburgers from McDonald’s while wasted. To be fair, they've both cut back on fast food in recent months and have lost some weight. That may change things for Jake, but it doesn’t change the fact that I think Lacy sucks and that I hope the Packers to go 0-16.

9. Heisenberg Express

Worst Player: Kenny Britt

Hey coach, I haven't even been arrested once this year!!

You got some solid dudes in Marshawn Lynch, Reggie Bush, Dwayne Bowe and superstar rookie Kenbrell Thompkins. However, I’m a little sour on Matthew Stafford and the NFL’s “dumbest wide receiver” Kenny Britt – who only has 5 catches for 43 yards for the year.

10. Anus Tart

Worst Player: LeSean McCoy

I don’t get it. What’s an anus tart? It sounds like you stuck a Pop Tart up your ass.

I decided to do a Google search for “Anus Tart” and it came back as two different things. The first was exactly what it sounds like; where you stick some kind of candy up your ass and have your lover eat it out. So, kind of like “tossing someone’s salad” – but with actual food items. This is also referred to as “eating someone’s snack hole”.

  

The second thing that came up was some ‘Arrested Development’ reference. I’m sure that’s what "ANUSTART" was meant to be, but I’m still going to associate you with the first option. Anyways, negative points for having the least intimidating team name in the league. I’m also not a fan of LeSean McCoy – he’s not very powerful and is essentially a wide receiver playing running back. Once he gets hurt, you won’t have much else to rely on.  

11. Moop 4.0

Worst Player: Aaron Rodgers

Hey Adam, what do you and Aaron Hernandez have in common? No idea? He (allegedly) killed someone and you killed your chances of securing a good spot in my power rankings by drafting the NFL’s biggest D-Bag, Aaron Rodgers. Now I know that’s pretty harsh, but Aaron Rodgers is my least favorite athlete in all of sports. I couldn't imagine how it would feel to have to root for him and the Packers every week. It would probably be similar to the feeling I’d have if I moved to West Bloomington and knew my kids would someday go to Jefferson.

12. Venereal Dynasty

Worst Player(s): Tony Romo and Frank Gore

Out of my top ten worst players in the NFL, you are the only one in the league to pick two of them. I am very worried about you winning a third championship someday and all the bragging that would come along with it, but this isn't going to be your year.