…And we’re back. It seems like forever ago that we finished
last year’s fantasy season. Since then, a lot of crazy things happened that I
would’ve seriously doubted in 2011; Tommy got married, Jake got a real girlfriend
and Manti Te’o got caught having a fake one. I realize this column is now a
month late, but I had to wait until I won a match up before posting it. After
spending the first three weeks in last place, I have jumped all the way up to #10
in the standings and am ready to lay the verbal smackdown on the rest of the
league.
You probably noticed I moved my column to Blogspot.com. I
was getting bored with Yahoo’s text only format. Now that I have an official
blog, people outside of our league will also be able to read my column, just please
don’t link it to Facebook or anything. That way I can still call your team gay
or make weed references – without having to worry about my mom reading it. I’ll
also have the ability to post pictures and video, so I’m going to make fun of everyone
harder than ever. And while I certainly appreciate you reading my blog, get
used to me talking about how awesome my team is and how shitty yours is.
[Gardenhire in April 2013]
Speaking of being shitty, we all know the Twins have no chance of making the playoffs. I’ll admit they’ve had a decent start, but you know they’ll be out of contention by the All-Star break. By September, Gardenhire will be in full Grumpy Cat mode as he knows there’s a good chance he’ll be fired.
So, without the Twins providing any real form of interest,
we’ll have to rely on Fantasy again. Unfortunately for you, I have assembled a
team that is more than twice as powerful as yours. Let me say that again –
TWICE as powerful as yours. So, did I cheat or what? How is my team so awesome?
This will probably sound ridiculous, but when I smoke enough
weed, I can visualize the future. You probably think I’m full of shit, but in
November of 2011, I predicted a “no snow winter”. People thought the notion was
“retarded”, but it pretty much came true. It hardly snowed at all in the winter
of 2011/12, while it snowed a fucking shitload this past winter and the year
before in 2010/11. Then in May of 2012, I wrote a blog predicting that Star
Wars 7 would be released in 2016 – which everyone thought was “retarded” as
well. Just three months ago, George Lucas shocked the world by announcing plans
for a seventh Star Wars film.
[Me in December 2011 - calling the "No Snow Winter"]
[ ^Link to the blog where I predicted Star Wars 7 six months before George Lucas announced his plans for a seventh film.]
I have used my Nostradamus-like weed powers to draft a team
full of home runs hitters. As I claimed earlier, I have twice as much power as
the second most powerful team. Don’t believe me? I have compiled the number of
players on each team with either 30+ HRs or 100+ RBIs in 2012. Sadly, it wasn’t
even close. If this were Fantasy Wrestling, my team would look like this:
And your team should look more like this:
Since I think “Power” is the key to winning it all, my Power
Rankings will literally be focusing on the “Power Statistics” i.e. HRs and
RBIs. I won’t pay much attention to records through the first month, as the
sample size is too small. On top of that, lots of power hitters tend to start
the season slow. I will also take into account each team’s “lamest player” and will
identify the player on each team that looks the most like a nerd and/or a jabronie.
Power Rankings:
#1 NEpotheadCouldWin
30+ HRs – Albert Pujols (30), Adrian Beltre (36), Carlos
Beltran (32), Curtis Granderson (43), Adam LaRoche (33) and Alfonso Soriano
(32)
100+ RBIs – Albert Pujols (105), Adrian Beltre (102), Matt
Holliday (102), Curtis Granderson (106), Adam LaRoche (100), Alfonso Soriano
(108)
Lamest Player: None
Seriously, bro - I promise I didn’t cheat. I somehow ended
up with six players with 30 or more HRs last year and six players with 100 or
more RBIs. I also have Curtis Granderson and Jeter on the DL; once they’re
healthy, I’ll be unstoppable.
#2 Strange Magic
30+HRs – Miguel Cabrera (44)
100+ RBIs – Miguel
Cabrera (139) and Adrian Gonzalez (108)
Lamest Player: Max Scherzerer
Remember that scene in Wayne’s World 2 where Wayne meets
some guy at the city office that has two different colored eyes? Well, that’s
basically Max Scherzerer – starting pitcher for Detroit. I’m sure he creeps the
hell out of batters when they see his crazy Terminator eye for the first time. I’d
bet his crazy eye also has a lot to do with the fact that he’s 4-0. But he’s not
exactly the kind of dude you’d want as a wingman when you’re at the bar trying
to pick up chicks. But hey, if that’s the lamest thing about your team – a 4-0
pitcher that looks like a zombie then you’re looking pretty good.
#3 Repeat Offender
30+ HRs – Ryan Braun (41), Josh Reddick (32) and Chris Davis
(33)
100+ RBIs – Ryan Braun (112), Buster Posey (103)
Lamest Player: Josh Reddick
Reddick is hitting a measely .148 with 1 home run. On top of
that, he looks like a cross between Daniel Bryan and some guy selling meth out
of a minivan parked at KFC. However, you do have a decent amount of power and
have solid pitching to back it up. I also think a slow start is good luck in
Fantasy baseball; so despite the bad record, you should be a lock for the
playoffs.
#4 Outfield Fly Rule
30+ HRs – Prince Fielder (30) and Adam Jones (32)
100 RBIs – Prince Fielder (108)
Lamest Player – Homer Bailey
Is it just me or does Homer Bailey look like a lesbian? I
heard a rumor the Reds found her dominating the female softball leagues and
offered her an incentive based contract. But seriously, you have a deece amount
of power and when you factor in David Ortiz – (who is looking to be the steal
of the draft) your team is pretty sick.
#5 GreinkeCantDodge-er
30+ HRs – Ike Davis (32), Mike Trout (30) and Chase Headley
(31)
100 RBIs – Chase Headley (115)
Lamest Player – Ike Davis
Not a bad all around team, I’m really struggling to find
someone to make fun of. I’ll go with Ike Davis, he’s hitting .172 and is from
Edina. What a loser.
#6 The Analrapists
30+ HRs – Mark Trumbo (32), Giancarlo Stanton (37), Corey
Hart (30)
100+ RBIs – Aramis Ramierez (105)
Lamest Player – Coco Crisp
Before I rip on poor Coco, I must say that I really like
your team. You have four of my guys from last year: Mark Trumbo, Giancarlo
Stanton, Dan Haren and Kris Medlen. Sick bro! On top of that, you’re getting
some huge upside from Carlos Santana and Aramis Ramirez. However, I do have to
make fun of Coco Crisp real quick. I’m mean, if you’re gonna be named after a
breakfast cereal – at least pick something cool – like Cap’n Crunch – that would
be fucking badass. You can just tell from the look on his face that he’s pissed at life for giving him such a dumb name. But hey, if that’s the lamest thing
about your team – that you have an outfielder named after a breakfast cereal –
you’re not doing too bad.
#7 The Harper Image (aka Kitten Mittens)
30+ HRs – Josh Hamilton (43) and Pedro Alvarez (30)
100+ RBIs – Josh Hamilton (103)
Lamest Player – Felix Doubront
The slow start from Josh Hamilton has cost you a few wins,
and if he has a down year - you’ll be seriously lacking in the power department.
But despite Hamilton’s slump, you’ve managed to stay above .500 thanks to your pitching
staff. You have some aces for sure, but Felix Doubront is certainly not one of
them. First off, his head seems really small. He's also 6’2” and weighs only 165 pounds. Are you serious bro? That’s how much I
weighed in 8th grade. I could
seriously pick him up, lift him over my head and hit him with a variety of pro
wrestling finishing moves – including a Diamond Cutter, an F-5, or an RKO.
#8 Hell Raisers
30+ HRs – Robinson Cano (33) and Edwin Encarnacion (42)
100 RBIs – Edwin Encarnacion (110) and Billy Butler (107)
Lamest Player – Billy Butler
How are you going to intimidate the other teams in the
league when your best players are named Billy, Robinson and Edwin? Those
names sound like the roster for Book Club at my neighbor Stephen’s house –
where they discuss romance novels and everyone brings their cat.
#9 Big Poppa Pump
30+ HRs – Josh Willingham (35) and Adam Dunn (41)
100+ RBIs – Josh Willingham (110)
Lamest Player – Adam Dunn
Too bad Willingham and Dunn’s averages last year were .260
and .204, respectively. Right now, Adam Dunn is hitting .146 – among the
shittiest batting averages in all of MLB. I know he has six home runs, but that
does not make him worth it. I don’t get why you have such a man crush on this
jabronie; he doesn’t even look cool. Anyways, mediocre power + batting averages
in the low .200s = you not making the playoffs.
Here’s my impression of Adam Dunn’s weekly argument with
White Sox manager, Robin Ventura.
Robin Ventura: Allright now, Dunn. It’s the bottom of the
eighth and we’re down by three. We just need you to get on base. Don’t go up
there and try to hit a home run. Just get on base somehow, dammit!
Adam Dunn: Allright, I got it.
[whispers to self]: “That
motherfucker doesn’t tell me what to do! I’m fucking Adam Dunn! I’m gonna crush
the shit outta this ball!”
[strikes out swinging]
Robin Ventura: “You motherfucker, Dunn! What is wrong with
you?!? You just went up there and swung as hard as you fucking could and you
missed the ball by half a foot! Hit the showers ya bum!
#10 Da Laser Show?
30+ HRs – Andrew McCutchen (31)
No players with 100 RBIs
Lamest Player – Jeff Samardzija
I don’t know what to say, Larson. I love McCutchen, he’s
badass. But that’s your only dude that hit 30+ home runs last year? This is not
“Fantasy Be the GM of the Twins and Put Together a Team with a $75 millon
Payroll” - this is Fantasy Fricking Baseball and you are allowed to draft some
dudes with power. On top of that, Jeff Samardzija who looks like a cross
between Kenny Powers and a child molestor. Make some trades ASAP, or the playoffs are out of the
question.
#11 DickedBytheAutoPick
30+ HRs – Jay Bruce (34)
100 RBIs – Hunter Pence
Lamest Player – Bud Norris
You’re right, you did get dicked by the auto pick – but complaining
about it won’t make it any better. To make things even worse - Jay Bruce looks
like a tool, Pence Hunter has a stupid name and Bud Norris looks like a total
hick. A team full of players that are A.) not cool looking and B.) aren’t
actually good at baseball – will leave you sitting at home come playoff time.
#12 Mandelbaum!
Are you serious bro? No players with 30+ HRs and no players
with 100 RBIs. Wow. How is this even
possible?
Lamest Player – All of them.
Not only is your team completely powerless, it’s completely
uninteresting. You know what’s more interesting than your team? I spit into
this pop can and it made a bubble. Pretty crazy huh? Well, it’s at least more interesting
than a team full of jabronies with no power.
