So,
I know this preview is way late, but there was a lot to cover this year. If you
didn’t know, I usually do a column where I make fun of everyone’s team – kind
of like a roast. I’d like to start by ripping on the newest members of our
fantasy league, Michael Tambornino and Ben Johnson. Tambo – it was pretty ridiculous
how we let you join the league and you wanted to make all these big changes (switching to an auction draft, using LeagueSafe.com) before you even played your first game.
Most of us thought it was a little premature - kind of like getting engaged
before college. Speaking of which, Ben recently got engaged (again)
and so did Pasi AND Casey. Congrats to all three of you, I’m really excited for
your weddings. But if your wives ever decide you can’t play Fantasy Football -
just know that I’ll be making fun of you online.
^ Because this looks waaay more fun than Fantasy Football
After
losing in last year's finals by less than half a point (151.02 – 150.58 to
Luca for the Championship), I’m back for vengeance. That was the highest
scoring game I’ve ever had, so one of my goals this year was to re-draft the
same team. My other goal was to get super wasted. Mission accomplished on both
fronts; I had over ten shots and ended up with 6 “legacy” members in Tom Brady,
Trent Richardson, Marques Colston, Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree and Justin
Tucker.
As
a new tradition this year, I passed out penalty shots to anyone who picked one
of my “Top Ten Worst Picks of the Draft”. This was not just to get everyone
liquored up, but to have an unbiased way to grade the draft. One person earned
the bottom spot in the power rankings by drafting two players from my list.
This person is also next in line to get married, so I feel like he deserves to
get ripped.
Two
time league champion Eric Pasi gets the bottom spot for drafting both the
“least clutch quarterback” AND the “slowest running back”. Heck, that doesn’t
sound like a fantasy team at all - that sounds like a nightmare where
AP gets injured and the Vikings’ offense features Christian Ponder and Toby
Gerhart. Anyways, for making two of the worst picks of the draft, Pasi had to
take two shots. Maybe it was the weed along with those two shots, but he was
SUPER wasted by the end of the night. He passed out and took a cab home early
the next morning. But - he was still so wasted he left his keys at my place and
took Jake’s keys home instead. How the hell does that happen? Could you imagine
if he made the same mistake with the Baker sisters? “Uh, oops sorry Jodie, I
thought you were Dana”.
Anyways,
taking the wrong set of keys is nowhere near as bad as throwing passes to the
wrong team – which is the only thing Ponder has been good at so far. I gave up
on him when he gave one of the dumbest excuses I’ve ever heard after losing to
the Browns. He literally said, “That was a throw that I can make 99 times out
of 100, unfortunately that was the one miss”. So, when we really need you to
make a big pass, it just happens to be the ONE time out of a hundred that you
mess up? How convenient.
Could
you imagine using that excuse in real life?
Power
Rankings
1.
The Destroyer
Worst
Player: Steven Jackson
Steven Jackson's high school football picture, circa 1965
Congrats on getting the #1 spot, bro – your team is pretty sick. For starters, I gotta
give you props for the fact that (unlike Jake, Adam and Pasi) you NEVER draft
Packers. On top of that, you draft the hell out of the Vikings (AP, Greg Jennings
and Kyle Rudolph), which is awesome. So, bonus points for that. Plus, you have
the league’s MVP through three games in Peyton Manning – who is on pace to
throw 64 touchdowns. You also have last year’s MVP; Adrian Peterson. Your only
real weakness is your backup RBs; the old and injury prone Steven Jackson and
the newly demoted Ahmad Bradshaw. Still, the Peyton-AP combo is deadly and I
would not want to face you in the playoffs.
2.
Percy Control
Worst
Player: Chris Johnson
Nice
job with the 3-0 start, Tambo. Your team has the potential to score a ton of
points every weekend, but you also have the potential to fall flat on your
face. This is mainly due to Chris Johnson, who I’ve had a love/hate
relationship with for years. He's the only running back in the league that will average 150 yards a game, but do it by getting 350 yards one week, and just 50 the other two. Kaepernick and Megatron can be inconsistent as well, but there will be times when you'll just be waiting, and waiting, and waiting for Chris Johnson to have a big game.
And
you know what they say about waiting and waiting and waiting for a player to have a big
game….
3.
Purple Stuff
Worst Player: Steve “He’s Still in the NFL?” Smith
Wow
Nate, you really nailed it this year. Cam Newton, DeSean Jackson, Jamaal
Charles and Owen Daniels have all had huge numbers through the first three
games. Plus, you have Gronkowski coming back this weekend. There’s not much to
make fun of you for - other than for drafting Steve Smith - who is now officially the oldest player in the league.
4.
Tuning Up the Band
Worst Player: None
First
off, bonus points for not drafting any of my Top Ten Worst Players. Second,
nice job utilizing my “Legacy” strategy by redrafting your players from last
year. Third, even more bonus points for having “The Heartbreak Kid” Shawn
Michaels as your mascot. You know, a lot of people ask me why I love wrestling
so much. Here’s why: Wrestling will never break your heart the way the Vikings
can. If the Vikings continue to lose and are out of the playoffs by midseason,
it might become too painful to watch. So painful that I would rather watch the
worst wrestling match you could possibly imagine:
My
point is, I’d rather watch Big Show wrestle The Great Khali than watch Ponder
throw four picks. This may turn into a rough year, so it might be good idea to
watch a little more wrestling and a little less football. Luca, (or anyone
else) you should come over for wrestling sometime. I order every pay per view,
even when it features crap like the Big Show vs Khali.
5.
NEpotheadCouldWin
Worst
Player: Chris Ivory
"Whatever man, I'm awesome"
I
think my team is pretty solid, but I’m probably a little biased. I just got really
high + drunk and drafted as many players as I could from last year’s team.
What could possibly go wrong?
6.
OstBerlin AllSterne
Worst
Player: C.J. Spiller
"My teeth are whiter than the MN Timberwolves 2013-2014 roster"
Dude, you’re
way better than your 0-3 record and I think you’ll be able to turn things
around. Spiller only has 150 yards and 0 TDs through three games. He’s
overrated, but he shouldn’t suck this bad. Andrew Luck should be solid all year
and receivers Andrew Johnson and Wes Welker are due for some big games. Unlike
the Vikings and their 0-3 start, you still have a good chance of making the
playoffs.
7.
Wings of Pastrami
Worst
Player: Giovani Bernard
With names like Jordan Cameron, T.Y. Hilton and Giovani Bernard you are leading the league
in “players I’ve never heard of”. Who are these dudes? They must be rookies or
something. From the looks of it, you have the
youngest team in the league - which will certainly help when you're going against dinosaurs like Steve Smith and Steven Jackson.
8.
Big Poppa Pump
Worst
Player: Fat Eddie Lacy
According
to my calculations, there are only two running backs that Jake could outrun on
a good day – Frank Gore and Eddie Lacy. I guess it’s somewhat fitting that he
has one of them on his team (Lacy). It’s also ironic that Jake and Lacy both have
a tendency to order five (or more) double cheeseburgers from McDonald’s while
wasted. To be fair, they've both cut back on fast food in recent months and have lost some weight. That may change things for Jake, but it doesn’t change the
fact that I think Lacy sucks and that I hope the Packers to go 0-16.
9.
Heisenberg Express
Worst
Player: Kenny Britt
Hey coach, I haven't even been arrested once this year!!
You got some solid dudes in Marshawn Lynch, Reggie Bush, Dwayne Bowe and superstar rookie Kenbrell Thompkins. However, I’m a little sour on Matthew Stafford and the NFL’s “dumbest wide receiver” Kenny Britt – who only has 5 catches for 43 yards for the year.
10.
Anus Tart
Worst
Player: LeSean McCoy
I don’t get it. What’s an anus tart? It sounds like you stuck a Pop Tart up your ass.
I decided to do a Google search for “Anus Tart” and it came back as two
different things. The first was exactly what it sounds like; where you stick
some kind of candy up your ass and have your lover eat it out. So, kind of like
“tossing someone’s salad” – but with actual food items. This is also
referred to as “eating someone’s snack hole”.
The
second thing that came up was some ‘Arrested Development’ reference. I’m
sure that’s what "ANUSTART" was meant to be, but I’m still going to associate you with the first option. Anyways, negative points for having the least
intimidating team name in the league. I’m also not a fan of LeSean McCoy –
he’s not very powerful and is essentially a wide receiver playing running back.
Once he gets hurt, you won’t have much else to rely on.
11.
Moop 4.0
Worst
Player: Aaron Rodgers
Hey
Adam, what do you and Aaron Hernandez have in common? No idea? He (allegedly)
killed someone and you killed your chances of securing a good spot in my power
rankings by drafting the NFL’s biggest D-Bag, Aaron Rodgers. Now I know that’s
pretty harsh, but Aaron Rodgers is my least favorite athlete in all of sports.
I couldn't imagine how it would feel to have to root for him and the Packers every
week. It would probably be similar to the feeling I’d have if I moved to West
Bloomington and knew my kids would someday go to Jefferson.
12.
Venereal Dynasty
Worst
Player(s): Tony Romo and Frank Gore
Out
of my top ten worst players in the NFL, you are the only one in the league to pick two of
them. I am very worried about you winning a third championship someday and all the
bragging that would come along with it, but this isn't going to be your year.
