The new league trophy ^. Thanks Tambo!
Like every other year, I went into the draft as prepared as Jake would be to run a half mile (0% prepared). Instead, I spent my time researching which picks deserved penalty shots. I ended up downing ten shots myself including a penalty shot for "Dude That's a Girls Name" - a joke that no one got. When I announced it was Devonta Freeman - there was a collective "huh?" from the group.
I looked right at Luca and said "Yeah, dude. Devonta Freeman - only girls' names end with an 'a'. You know like Lisa, Sarah, Jessica." I was so drunk it took me a minute to realize Luca's name also started with an "a". Oops.
While that was a little embarrassing, it pales in comparison to the performance the Vikings had on Monday night. After not being invited to play on Monday Night Football for almost two years (last time was a 23-7 loss to The Giants in 2013), we scored a measly three points in our big return - which is kind of like Nick G not being invited to your house for two years, and then puking everywhere his first time back.
Before I get into this year's Power Rankings, a quick reminder that I'm just joking around here - don't pull a "Russell Wilson" and start crying if your team is near the bottom.
Power Rankings:
1. the DESTROYER (Brian Casey)
Congrats Brian Casey on landing the #1 spot in the Power Rankings. Not only were you one of the only dudes in the league to avoid a penalty shot, the rest of your team is solid, too. You resisted temptation to draft old dudes like Steve Smith or Vikings players with "lots of upside". With a squad of Fantasy studs like Roethlisberger, Matt Forte and Emmanuel Sanders - you are the team to beat.
2. Tuning Up The Band (Luca Potter)
Nice work, Luca. You crushed me in our week one matchup and as of right now, you're the league leader in points. I wish I could rip on the league's "biggest dickhead" Percy Harvin, but he had a monster game last week. You also got some big upside from Keenan Allen and Chris Ivory. Take note Larson - this is how you build a team of young dudes.
3. Big Poppa Pump (Jake Swedberg)
4. Hot Ham Water (Colin Wheeler)
"Seriously, Buffalo? Sheeeit man - I don't wanna play there."
First off, congratulations on avoiding any penalty shots at the draft. I like your team overall, I just feel like your fate rests in the hands of McCoy. In addition to his high bust potential, he looks as excited to play for the Bills as I am to watch 'Bravo' with my wife.
5. NEPotheadCouldWin (Joe Angeles)
Even though I lost in week one, my team is oozing with potential. I got a late round steal in Bishop Sankey - who was an absolute beast in week one. I mean look at him - he looks like he eats Muscle Hamsters for breakfast. Pair that up with Andrew Luck, C.J. Anderson and Sammy Watkins and I'm a lock for the playoffs.
6. Moop (Adam Swedberg)
"I wonder if I could sneak in a quick nap at halftime?"
You have some big name talent in Peyton Manning, Calvin Johnson and DeMarco Murray. But you also have Frank Gore - who looks like he'd rather be at home playing XBOX than playing football. You'll sneak your way into the playoffs and then lose in the the first round.
7. Oste Berlin AlleSterne (Thug)
"I'm sexy and I know it."
8. Wings of Pastrami (Matt Larson)
While you're going to have a few big weeks with the Brady/Gronk combo - the rest of your team is a bunch of unproven rookies. I'm expecting a major bust from *Nerd Alert* - Melvin Gordon. By this time next year - he'll be living in his mom's basement, reading books and playing 'World of Warcraft'. And no offense, but your other running back, T.J. Yeldon plays for the league's worst offense - the Jaguars.
9. VD Real Bad News (Eric Pasi)
It's not gonna be your year, Pasi. In addition to mediocre fantasy players like Cam Newton and Kyle Rudolph, your worst pick has to be Jonathon Stewart. His limited skill set includes: running into a pile of defensive lineman, being able to out run 300 pound lineman and being able to get two yards when it's third down and three. Here's a telling stat: Stewart has only scored four times over the past two years - I've hung out with Skahen more than that.
10. Player Haters (Michael Tambornino)
Oh, Tambo where do I start? I like Odell Beckam, Jr. but he's going to be covered with double teams all year long. Other than that, your team is a bunch of overrated nerds. Get outta here with Muscle Hamster (two touchdowns last year) and Vernon Davis belongs on the waiver wire. I think we can all sleep easy knowing the trophy won't be headed down to Nashville.
11. Pees Sitting Down Guy (Ben Johnson)
Ben - you know I lova ya man, but your team terrible. You wasted a pick on Todd Girly aka "sits down to pee" (pictured above) and you drafted my most hated player in the NFL - Aaron Rodgers...Seriously, I can't overstate how much I hate Rodgers. I would rather go to a "White Lives Matter" protest with Arola than have to root for Aaron Rodgers and the Packers.
www.wheresthebirthcertificateobama.com
12. Purple Stuff (Nate Rose)
What were you thinking, Nate? Two tight ends, the league's oldest wide receiver and two Vikings that aren't Adrian Peterson?!? If Russell Wilson continues to play like he did in week one - it's gonna be a long year. My advice - drop everyone except Jimmy Graham and rebuild from the waiver wire.
Good luck dudes and thanks for reading!
