Welcome back, dudes. We survived the shittiest Winter of all time – and for the second year in a row, we started the baseball season with snow on the ground. I don't know what's more depressing; the fact that it's been snowing in late April or that the Twins will be out of playoff contention by the time it's finally nice outside.
After winning the AL Central in 2010, the Twins have lost nearly 100 games in each of the last three years. In an effort to turn things around, the Pohlads signed two “big name” free agent pitchers, Ricky Nolasco and Phil Hughes. I've got nothing against these guys, but they both had 5.0 + ERAs last year and were waiver wire pickups (at best) in fantasy baseball. Here’s a telling stat:
Ricky Nolasco’s four year - $49 million contract is the biggest free agent signing in Twins’ history.
Think about that for a second. It seems like there’s some big name free agent getting a $100+ million contract every time you turn on ESPN. Yet the biggest contract the Pohlad’s have ever given a free agent is $49 million and we're supposed to to get excited about it? That’s like the Timberwolves bragging about having their best season in a decade (despite not making the playoffs for the tenth straight year).
Look, I love the Twins – but they've slashed their payroll from $112 million in 2010 down to just $85 million in 2014. And not only did they cut their payroll, they obviously cut their advertising budget. Here's the main jingle they came up with to sell you season tickets:
"We're bringing in the closer
And no, he ain’t a poser
A
former Golden Gopher
Glen
Perkins he’s our closer.
Our
offense is broke
But
he ain’t a joke
He’ll
strike ‘em out
Without
a doubt
Glen
Perkins HE’S OUR CLOSER!"
What a shitty song. I'm sorry, but that doesn't convince me to drop $100 on a pair of Twins tickets. Seriously - my friend Brian Casey could write a better jingle while taking a dump on his lunch break. Anyways, Perkins is one of only two Twins worth owning in fantasy baseball – the other being Joe Mauer. And while many people think Mauer is kind of a "tool" in real life - he's actually far from that in fantasy. All he does is hit singles, so he's technically only a 2/5 tool player at best (with far below average HRs, SBs and RBIs).
It's looking like it's gonna be another lost season for the Twins, so I'll just do what I always do when our hometown teams fade from contention - watch more wrestling.
Before we get any further I gotta give a shout out to Big Daddy Cool - the only person I know (or at least know of) that loves wrestling more than I do. Not only does he host the best WWE podcast on the internet (Podcast of the Immortals) he went to this year's Wrestlemania - which was (arguably) one of the best of all time.
But
before we get to the power rankings, we must have a moment of silence for our
former league mate, Tommy Lilliberg. Tom has quit playing fantasy baseball to spend more time with the fam. He can now focus on more important things, like watching 'Frozen' for the 27th time.
Just to be clear, I love Tommy and I’m happy for him and his family. But while
everyone else is “growing up” and “getting too old for _____________”, I’m
gonna keep partying, bro. So, just in case you're reading this Tom...Here's what I'll be doing on a Saturday night...
And here's what you'll be doing....
2014 Preseason Power Rankings
1.) TroutAnAbout
Worst Player: Starlin Castro
2013 stats: .245 / 10 HR / 44 RBI
Dude, you have the #1 offense and it's not even close. How the hell did you get David Ortiz, Evan Longoria, Mike Trout AND Matt Kemp? Your pitching is a little shaky, but it doesn't matter - you'll win 90% of your offensive match ups.
However, I'm not a fan of Starlin Castro - mainly because the Cubs are my second favorite team (behind the Twins) and they (like the Twins) keep signing these mediocre players. Castro also looks like he has the confidence of a zit faced teenager asking a girl to prom. I'm sure he's worried about being sent down to the minors - which he should be with a sub .250 batting average and no power.
However, I'm not a fan of Starlin Castro - mainly because the Cubs are my second favorite team (behind the Twins) and they (like the Twins) keep signing these mediocre players. Castro also looks like he has the confidence of a zit faced teenager asking a girl to prom. I'm sure he's worried about being sent down to the minors - which he should be with a sub .250 batting average and no power.
2.) Galactic Nectar
Worst Player: Dan Haren
Larson, congrats bro - you have the best overall team in the league. No other team can claim to have a legitimate MVP AND Cy Young candidate - which you have with Andrew McCutchen / Max Scherzer. I like a lot of your other guys like Ian Kinsler, Matt Wieters, Trevor Rosenthal and Matt Cain. However, you should do yourself a favor and drop Dan Haren...
I made the mistake of drafting Dan Haren two years ago, mainly because he looks like a stud. This will sound gay, but in retrospect, I think he’s too handsome for his own good. Here's my theory:
When he was pitching for the Angels, he would often go out drinking with his teammates. Women would always be flirting with him, while his wing-man, Jared Weaver (who looks like a total nerd) would routinely get shot down. Sadly, Weaver would keep his baseball card in his wallet so he could prove to women that he really played for the Angels. Anyways, Weaver would always back go to his room early, while Haren would stay out all night and crush bitches.
However, the next day - Haren would be hungover, throwing meatballs.
Bottom line: crushing bitches all night = 5.0+ ERA
However, the next day - Haren would be hungover, throwing meatballs.
Bottom line: crushing bitches all night = 5.0+ ERA
3.) N.E. Pothead Could Win
Worst Player: A.J. Burnett
2013 stats: 10 wins / 3.30 ERA / 1.21 WHIP
I think it was pretty humble of me to rank myself in 3rd place when I could make an argument that I have the best team. I snagged two of the best closers (Kimbrel and Jansen), the best catcher (Yadier Molina), a top first baseman (Chris Davis) and got one of the biggest steals of the draft (Angel Pagan - hitting .329 drafted in the 12th round).
After focusing too heavily on offense last year, I decided to load up on pitching this year instead. I literally don't have any picthers with an ERA above 3.50. So, when I go up against teams with bloated ERAs (OutForARip, Angry Hemorrhoids) they won't stand a chance.
Worst Player: Homer Bailey
Dude, it would be my honor to buy you a beer sometime. I've listened to all your recent podcasts. As far as your last one - I'm totally with you that 1.) Cesaro's new entrance music sucks 2.) Goldberg at Wrestlmania 31 would be totally awesome and 3.) I don't get how the "Brock Lesnar super fan" can afford to go to every show, either.
I also can't tell you how jealous I am that you went to Wrestlemania. I have so many questions for you...Do you think it was a top five 'Mania? What have you been watching on the WWE Network? When do you think Brock will get a shot at the title? When will Sting finally show up? What about Punk? And if Punk comes back, what about a match vs Austin?
Anyways, your team is pretty solid. I'm a big fan of Adrian Beltre and you've had some huge upside from Freddie Freeman and Torii Hunter. Your pitching is pretty good, too - other than Homer Bailey who currently has a 6.15 ERA.
Is it just me, or does Homer Bailey look like a woman? I'm sorry, but 85 mph lesbian fastballs won't help you win in fantasy baseball. Drop him/her and pickup any other pitcher with an ERA under 6.0.
I also can't tell you how jealous I am that you went to Wrestlemania. I have so many questions for you...Do you think it was a top five 'Mania? What have you been watching on the WWE Network? When do you think Brock will get a shot at the title? When will Sting finally show up? What about Punk? And if Punk comes back, what about a match vs Austin?
Anyways, your team is pretty solid. I'm a big fan of Adrian Beltre and you've had some huge upside from Freddie Freeman and Torii Hunter. Your pitching is pretty good, too - other than Homer Bailey who currently has a 6.15 ERA.
Is it just me, or does Homer Bailey look like a woman? I'm sorry, but 85 mph lesbian fastballs won't help you win in fantasy baseball. Drop him/her and pickup any other pitcher with an ERA under 6.0.
5.) Big Poppa Pump
Worst Player: Jedd Gyroko
"Who wants to play 'Magic The Gathering'?"
Jake, you have a pretty well balanced team. You've got some real heavy hitters with Joey Votto, Hanley Ramierez and Matt Holliday. Your pitching is even more impressive with FIVE guys that would be the #1 starter on the Twins; Zach Greinke, Jason Vargas, Francisco Rodriguez, Ervin Santana and Cliff Lee. Holy balls!
However, some of your offensive bench guys are pretty whack. For your worst player, I'm gonna go with Jedd Gyroko. He reminds me of the kid that gets the scholarship on Seinfeld with the C + average.
^ That's basically Jedd Gyroko, he's hitting a solid .250 with no power. He's not showing off, but he's not lagging behind.
6.) The Commish
Worst Player: Jay Bruce
He looks like he’s crying. Dude, stop crying Bruce – there’s no crying in baseball.
7.) Mandelbaum!
Worst Player: Billy Butler
"something smells like a fart"
Ugh. This is where the teams start to get gross. I like Yasiel Puig, but you can't expect him to put up crazy numbers like he did last year. Jose Bautista and Troy Tulowitzki are also pretty solid - but after that - it gets ugly.
I don't know much about Billy Butler but for some reason, I want to punch him in the face. He looks a cross between a redneck and a Green Bay Packers fan.
8.) Analrapists
Worst Player: Grant Ballfour
Sorry G, but your team is looking rough. Right now you only have one player hitting above .275 (Chase Utley) and your only Third Baseman (Pedro Alvarez) is hitting .172. Your pitching is a little better but you have two pitchers with ERAs above 6.0 (Grant Ballfour and Cole Hamels). Seriously, drop Alvarez, Ballfour and Hamels - or at least get them out of your starting lineup.
"Worst player" honors have to go to Grant Ballfour. Not only does he have an ironic name that fits his bloated ERA (Ball four - get it?) he has the "coolest soul patch in the American League".
9.) Hellraisers:
Worst Player: Chris Tillman
Just like the #8 ranked Analrapists, you only have one player with a batting average above .300 (Ben Zobrist) and your only Catcher (Carlos Santana) is hitting .156. Your pitching is better as you loaded up on solid starters (Kyle Lohse, Justin Verlander, Jonathon Niese, Matt Garza) but one of your main relievers, Sergio Santos, has an 8.31 ERA.
Based solely on his picture, I gotta give the "worst player" award to Chris Tillman. He embodies a trifecta of suckiness that is not replicated by anyone else in MLB. As far as I know, he is the only player that:
1.) Looks like a redneck.
2.) Looks high and/or drunk.
and
3.) Has an "awesome" soul patch (even though he's got nothing on Grant Ballfour).
10.) OutForaRipAreYaBud?
Worst Player: C.C. Sabbathia
Out for a rip are you bud? That's what some dickhead cop asked me last time I got pulled over. Except he didn't call me "bud" and it was more along the lines of, "It smells like weed in here". To which I replied, "That's weird" and then tried to change the subject. He didn't fall for it, but he ended up letting me go.
Worst Player: C.C. Sabbathia
Leads the Yankees in Losses and Fattest Beer Gut
Out for a rip are you bud? That's what some dickhead cop asked me last time I got pulled over. Except he didn't call me "bud" and it was more along the lines of, "It smells like weed in here". To which I replied, "That's weird" and then tried to change the subject. He didn't fall for it, but he ended up letting me go.
Anyways,
I’m assuming your name is a weed reference - which is perfect for you since your ERA will super high with jabronies like Ricky Nolasco, CC Sabbathia and R.A. Dickey.
11.) Angry Hemorrhoids:
Worst Player: Craig Allen
I'm struggling to find any standout players on your team. Outside of former Twin, Justin Morneau (hitting .357, holy crap) - your entire team is hitting below .300. Your pitching is in rough shape too, with meaballers Justin Masterson (4.88 ERA) and Clay Buchholz (6.66 ERA) getting lots of innings.
"Worst player" goes to Craig Allen who is currently hitting .192. Look at this picture I found of him at some bar during the offseason. Man, he looks wasted. Put away the bong for a minute and lift some weights, bro.
12.) Sano Tomorrow Night
Worst Player : B.J. Upton
2013 stats: .184 / 9 HRs / 26 RBIs
Before the 2013 season, B.J. Upton signed one of the biggest contracts in Braves history; a deal that guarantees him $75 million over five years. In 2013 (the first year of his deal) he hit an MLB low - .186.
Let me put that into perspective for all you working stiffs making $10-20 an hour: $75 million a year over 5 years is $15 million per year. That breaks down to $288,888 a week. Divide that by a forty hour work week and B.J. Upton is making $7,211 an hour to hit less than .200.
What's the only thing more ridiculous than paying a mediocre player $15 million a year to hit less than .200? Drafting said player to a fantasy team. The Braves are stuck with him – you’re not. Drop his overpaid ass and pickup ANYONE else.
Oh and one more quick piece of advice... Since you're not going to be like the "cool kids" in the league and have a wrestler as your team icon, let me suggest a picture that more accurately represents your team's offense:Let me put that into perspective for all you working stiffs making $10-20 an hour: $75 million a year over 5 years is $15 million per year. That breaks down to $288,888 a week. Divide that by a forty hour work week and B.J. Upton is making $7,211 an hour to hit less than .200.
What's the only thing more ridiculous than paying a mediocre player $15 million a year to hit less than .200? Drafting said player to a fantasy team. The Braves are stuck with him – you’re not. Drop his overpaid ass and pickup ANYONE else.
Cheers and good luck!!
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